Sigh....

Here we are at the end of the year. It is a year that I will gladly say goodbye to...and yet not. It came to a horrible end, and yet it was the last year with my husband. I find myself thinking, if only I knew that it was our last year together, how it would have been different. We had gotten to the point in our marriage where we were comfortable with each other and with our lives. We had been married 20 years. We knew each other so well, we were an extension of each other and could predict what the other thought. I look back at all those opportunities that I missed to spend time together. I didn't like fishing, take the kids instead. I don't like to work outside, I'll do the inside, you do the outside. He missed home so much that when he was home, he didn't want to go out. I was so stir crazy when he got home from his work week that I took every chance I could to go do something just to get a break from the house. What was so important about these things that we couldn't give a little, just to be together? Don't get me wrong, I'm extremely grateful for every minute we spent together, but just as always, I wish it was more. How we fall into the thinking that there will always be other times, that we have the rest of our lives together. Who knew that God would bring him home so early? I know that we should live our lives as if today is the very last, but it's still it's so easy to push that thought away and it's a shock when that time comes. So tomorrow starts a new year. I pray that I will go forward in a way that is honoring to my husband. I pray that I will take every opportunity that I can to spend with my kids, for his sake. This upcoming year is a new time for us. A new life. We have to go forward, we can't go back. We look to a year of decisions. A year of helping each other to get through to the other side of grief. One of forging the new lives we will be living. So we wrap our memories around us like a shield and go forth into a new path together... minus one.

don't really have words right now...

I know that I've wanted to continue on with this blog on a more regular basis and I am hoping to get to the point where I blog daily but right now, I just can't seem to find the words to do it. A little over two weeks ago, the love of my life died. It still doesn't feel real. I keep thinking that he will just walk through that door, that he's just outside or at work. I guess since he worked away from home for so long, it just feels like it does every week day. I thought the weekends would be hard, because that's when I expected him home, but it still is just not in my grasp that he is actually gone. Just a month ago, we were all together, celebrating his birthday. A few days later, I took him to the doctor, thinking he had pneumonia from the flu that he had caught and was told, no his lungs are clear. Three days later, he was on life support, his lungs filled with pneumonia, and airlifted by helicopter to Wenatchee. 12 days later he was gone. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt he is with his savior right now. I know my husband's faith. I am just numb. The thought of spending the rest of my life without him is inconceivable. I don't know how that looks. I know he wants me to be strong and go forward and I will, but right now it's just kind of hard.

Wow! and it's only been a month since my last post! Maybe I am getting better and more dedicated! Or then again....maybe my insomnia is back and I am bored. Well, not bored so much....to much to do with my busy family to do that. The student has flown back to China and is spending the summer with his family before flying to the midwest to start his college life. I have heard from him a few times over the summer, here and there, but China it seems is having a crackdown on internet sites and getting e-mails to him through facebook is now impossible. Thing 1 has been having a great time working the harvest with his surrogate farm family and my hubby is starting to worry that he doesn't like us anymore. LOL. I say he will always come back when he is hungry or out of money LOL....although they do seem to feed him and he is very happy with the paycheck he is earning, so hmmm....maybe the big dude has a point! Well, he'll have to come back in a few weeks as school starts and thus begins his Senior Year. Man, I am feeling old today. Thing 2 has been such a blessing to me this week. VBS started on Monday and I am in charge of distributing the snacks. The littlest Miss was just in her element and loving life at vacation Bible school. Thing 2 volunteered...ok, maybe not so much....to help me the first day until I saw how things would go for TLM as she can sometimes be clingy in new situations. It went perfect! She was a bit inhibited at first, until her friend S came in (another Asian adoptee) and also her friend M from school. Then she didn't even look back. It is a good set-up as she is moving from Preschool to Kindergarten in a few weeks and her main fear with making the change was that she will be going to a new teacher and that the school would lose her mommy. Aww! So anyway, a few weeks ago we got to meet her new teacher who was actually a friend who knew us when she first came home from China but then moved away, so the Littlest Miss didn't remember her. Now she's moved back, been re-introduced to TLM and reassured her that she never, ever loses Mommies. VBS further cemented this in her mind as the first thing she said to me as we got in the car to go home was....and you didn't get lost! Yes, I know and I am so glad I didn't get lost! Anyway, now she knows that no matter where she is, her mommy will not get lost. Back to Thing 2 and his week of blessing me....on Tuesday, we unfortunately did not get to go back to VBS as a nasty stomache virus hit me and I basically slept all of Monday evening and all of Tuesday. TLM was slightly irritated as it meant that she couldn't go back to VBS either. I did feel sorry for her because she enjoyed it sooo much, but one can't really be handing out snacks to 50 kids when one has the flu. Thing 1 was at work, so he couldn't take her and Thing 2 isn't old enough to drive yet, so she was stuck at home with a sleeping mama. Thankfully, Thing 2 stepped up and took care of her all day. I took some BBQ pork out of the freezer for sandwiches and instructed him as to how to prepare it and he not only fed himself, his sister, and Thing 1 when he came home, but he also fed his two grandfathers. (Did I mention that the Big Dude's old pop has also moved onto our property? He has taken the job of supervising the finishing of the building of our new church building and since he lives 5 hours away, he has brought his little motor home and parked it i& my side yard. I love that man.) Anyway, I am so proud of Thing 2 stepping up to the plate. He even did a bit of dishes (but not too much, you know). So today saw us back at VBS. I let Thing 2 sleep in and do his thing since he wasn't the most thrilled about helping me on Monday and when I got home he actually requested that I wake him up and take him with me tomorrow. This kid is growing up so much. I love the man that I can see him becoming. It was raining today at VBS, something that just doesn't happen here in the Eastern WA desert all that often so we had to move the snack table and craft tables indoors. The kids got to make their own trail mix on the Boomerang Express and they were really loving it. I told them to just take a little bit of M & M's untill everyone got some, then they could come back later and get some more. One girl kept coming back and asking politely for more and I said, sure, there was more than enough for her to have more and at the end she said "I've never been to a VBS before where we could eat all that we want!" Haha! I'd much rather have them eat as much as they want and have a grand ole time than have tons of food leftover. So that has been my week so far. Two more days of VBS, then next week is the county fair. The Littlest Miss, Thing 2 and I are slated to sell tickets for 2 afternoons and will be paid hourly with the money to be paid to the kids school. It's a nice little fundraiser that the school has been doing for years. Last year was my first year and it was kind of fun once I got over the idea that I had to BUY a ticket to go into the fair to sell tickets to others. Some things in life just don't make sense, ya know? And then the week after that, school starts again. I am in mourning. Summer is done, ya'll. Where did it go? I haven't even harvested any tomatoes from my garden yet. I'll be glad to get back in a regular routine, but dang, we're back to all the rules and regulations and schedules that have to mesh. Lord, have mercy. It makes me tired just thinking about it. I love summer when my kids have time to just be kids and not have to worry about meeting silly dress codes and doing homework. Sigh. I guess, I'd better just suck it up. My kids don't seem to mind too much. Guess I'd better try to get some sleep in tonight as I have to get up in 5 hours. I hate insomnia. What a whiner I am, huh?

Time flies.... and then some...

Yeah, about that blogging thing, did I mention I get distracted at times? No? Huh? I could have sworn I did. :D It has been a busy, busy year and may I say, I am soooo glad it is summer. I can't believe we are now halfway through July. Well, the garden is in and growing (weeds and all) the kids are out of school and the sun is shining (sorta). I love, love, love the heat of summer here in Eastern WA. I wish it would last longer. Today has been a lazy day so far. It was a busy weekend with Thing 1 spending most of it with his surrogate farm family. He gets along well with their teenage boys and he's going to help them with the harvest in a few weeks here. Thing 2, The Big Dude, and Littlest Miss spent the day fishing and swimming all day on Saturday along with Thing 2's friend. I think they had fun and Littlest Miss is turning into a fish. I got the day off and boy was it wonderful having the house to myself. Just me and the old Man in the Basement (aka my dad). Sunday we headed off to church and then to a BBQ by the lake. It was fun and I actually got some sun. Now, I'm tired. Mondays are soooo hard to get motivated. sigh. I did go and get groceries today and picked up Thing 2 from a friend's house. Big Dude has headed back to work and Thing 1 is home and lazing around the house while Thing 2 and Littlest Miss are watching Cars. I love that show. Well, better go get some stuff done. I bought a bunch of ripe bananas today that I'm going to mash and freeze in ice cube trays to make smoothies with. yum. I really am going to try to be more consistant at blogging. We'll see. Sorry this isn't all that interesting of an update. I just wanted to put out a quick update.

I think my flu shot has worn off

I am sick again. For the second time in two weeks. Sigh. I hate being sick. Maybe that's why I've been so grouchy. Thing 1 is also home from school and is sleeping on the living room floor while the Littlest Miss is playing with the money in her piggy bank. Hey, it keeps her busy and gives me valuable internet time. :) I'd say it's a win-win situation.

In the last few weeks I've been kind of sick and cranky, so I thought that maybe it would help to list some things I have to be thankful for.

It's the weekend-woohoo! I still live for the weekends, even though things don't really change around here for me. In fact, they get more hectic. The Big Dude is home! It's always nice to spend time with my dear hubby. But that also means that I have 2 days to get hubby's laundry hauled into the house, washed, dried and packed back up......and I don't get to sleep in because the Big Dude starts talking the minute his eyes open in the morning.....and I rilly, rilly need to cook some stuff to send to work with him so that it's cheaper and healthier for him during the week.....hmmm.....maybe I'm not so good at this thankful thing....better try again....

I only have one sick kid-I mean, really, it could be a lot worse, right?

Only one more week, until the Daytona 500-ok, as long as we are being honest with each other (we are being honest, right?) I might as well tell you about my latest interest. I started to watch nascar as a way to bond with my dad when he moved in with us. Unfortunately, Dad kind of lost interest while I ....well....you know. Not that I own any nascar memorabilia, I mean...that would be admitting that I have a problem, you know? But there may have been some talk between The Big Dude and my dad that may have included the word addiction. But if you ask me, I will strongly deny it. And don't you even dare talk to my brother and sister-in-law about how they think I bump draft people on the highway. It's not my fault if the driver in front of me is going slow and there's nowhere to pass. Maybe he just needed a little encouragement......I'm a very encouraging person, ya know? Ummmm, yeah, that's it....

Hmmmmm.....ok, that's all I've got. I wish I could think of more right now. It's not that I don't have more, it's just that I also have a head full of snot, my throat hurts, my neck and shoulders ache......somebody pass the nyquil....oh, yes, you are right. I can't take nyquil until I go pick up Thing 2 and the Student from school. After all, it doesn't do to fall asleep in the pick-up lane. It makes the other parents mad and I hate it when I drool on the steering wheel.

It's time

It's time, I think.....to start a new blog. So grab yourself a cup of coffee and sit down and stay awhile.

I am not the most up-to-date person. Many have blogged long before I even thought of doing it. It was just a passing fad, I said to myself. Who would want to do that? Then as we got ready to travel to China for the adoption of our third child, the beauty of blogging hit me. How cool is that? I can tell about our travels while we are thousands of miles away and those who are following back home (all five of you), can see how we're doing. Then after we got back, life got in the way and I blogged less and less. Lately, I've been wanting to return to it because I miss blogging as an outlet, a way of expressing myself. No, I NEED blogging as an outlet. But I didn't want to use The Littlest Miss' blog for my drivel. So I've been thinking of starting my own. I don't know that anything I'll have to say will be of interest to anyone but myself, but then again, I'm used to talking to myself, so what's the big deal.

Ok, a little about myself....I am a 41 year old stay-at-home mom. Yes, I just told my age on the internets because I think it's an honor to grow older, but don't even think about asking how much I weigh. There's only so much a girl is willing to share, ok? Ok. I would describe myself as a (mostly) sweet girl-next-door who was raised to not talk back to my elders, to not say anything if you can't say anything nice and to treat others as you want to be treated. I have lately come to realize that I am no longer in Kansas, Toto. It just seems like no one knows how to maintain a friendship anymore. People are too busy to stay in contact, to busy to be polite. Because I try to do the aforementioned niceties, they seem to think it's ok to not do them because of course, I would never tell them that they are rude and offensive. They are very glad to take what I offer, but forget about doing anything in return, not that that is my motivation for doing things, but still, how hard can it be. In today's day and age, with the beauty of the internets?....even just an e-mail is better than nothin', people. I'm not sayin', I'm just sayin'....Maybe I've just hit a middle age crisis.... maybe I just have too much stress in my life..... maybe I expect too much from people.... but I find myself not only wanting to tell the world off but also have mucho mucho cussing going on that I struggle to just keep in my head and not let out of my mouth. Gaaaaahhhh!!! How's that for going off on a tangent......

Ok, back to telling you about me. I have three children. Thing 1 and Thing 2 are teenage boys who are just so cool to me. Yes, they can be a pain in the ass but they are getting to the age where I am getting to see the wonderful people that they are going to be (Yes, there is such a thing as great teenage boys-I've got them :) )And then there is the Littlest Miss. She was born in China and joined our family just 3 1/2 short years ago, but it seems like she's been here forever. Sometimes I forget that I didn't give birth to her. I am married to a wonderful hardworking man who, at times, rilly rilly drives me crazy but I love him anyway. He works away from home during the week and is only home on weekends. My friends think its really weird, but hey, we have to have a job and at least he's not sitting on his butt watching tv all the time. Sometimes I just get so tired of hearing "I just don't know how you do it" from my friends. That is how I chose my name for this blog. I'm just Little Miss "I just don't know how you do it". I find myself thinking "well, what else am I going to do?"

2 1/2 years ago, my dad moved in with us. He has a life-threatening lung disease and is on oxygen 100% of the time. After getting divorced from my mother when I was a young adult, he was out of our lives for 16 years. Having him back in our lives is wonderful but also stressful on some levels, as is caring for a dying parent. But I am glad that my children have had a chance to get to know him and am thankful for a second chance to know him. He is what keeps me sane on those days when my kids are pulling me in all different directions and my hubby is driving me crazy.

I guess I should also mention that we have a foreign exchange student from China living with us until June. It has been a very enlightening year so far and for the most part enjoyable, but I think next year I will take a break from the exchange program and take a little bit more time for myself.

Well, that's it. That's my life in a nutshell. We live in the country outside of an eastern WA town with two border collies and two cats. No sheep. No cows. No Goats. I have as much on my plate as I can handle, thank-you-veddy-much.